A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Athens
by LilacFree
Summary: The Ninth Doctor and Rose go to see the first Olympics back in ancient Greece and maybe pick up some really authentic Greek food.Then they have the crossover adventure that no one demanded!


Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or any other tv show with which this story is crossing over.

* * *

"You're saying ancient Greece was really like that movie?" 

"They had some impressively high standards of hygiene for people who didn't have much access to water."

"But an old 'Hercules' movie from the 50's? Even the 50's didn't look like the 50's do in the movies! They always pretty things up."

"There's an easy way to prove it. We'll go there. You know, I always had a fancy to take in the first Olympics." The Doctor grinned suddenly and started moving about the TARDIS controls. "You might want to stick close to me, though. They didn't treat women very well back then."

"You're taking me to see a lot of sexists sweating?" Rose sounded dubious.

"They're your ancestors, not mine. I can't help it if they were chauvinists. Nothing to do with me."

"Might help me 'preciate my own time, at that. All right, then."

The TARDIS lurched and flung them both to the floor.

"Excellent, we've landed," said the Doctor's voice from somewhere out of sight on the other side of the console.

"I certainly did." Rose got up, rubbing her backside.

The Doctor's head popped up with those prominent ears backlit. "Just where I wanted it." He sounded distinctly smug.

"Glad to hear it. Shall we have go have a look at Greece, then? I always heard it was a great place for vacations."

"Especially around this time. There's a truce for the Olympics."

Rose opened the door. The landscape was lush and green where the TARDIS had landed quite discreetly behind a large bush, but in the distance Rose could see barren cliffs.

"So which way to Athens?"

The Doctor looked out over her shoulder. "Hmm. I wanted to land us within sight of the city. I think it's over there, on the other side of that cliff."

"Do you really want a cliff between us and the TARDIS?"

"Not at all, but I want to check my bearings."

"You're going to climb that cliff."

"That was the idea."

"In this heat." It was, in fact, hot although it was morning, and the cliffs looked like they were baking in the sun.

"If you're not up to it—"

"Hah. You're stuck with me, remember? Lead on."

Rose lasted a third of the way up. She put her hand down on a stone and a black scorpion climbed onto her fingers. Her scream echoed off the cliff face and the Doctor nearly lost his grip.

"What did you go and do that for?" He looked down and saw her flailing her hand in the air.

"There was a bloody scorpion on my hand. That's it. I'll wait for you down below, where it's shady."

"All right then. See you in a bit."

So Rose went down. The Doctor went up. And an echo can travel quite a distance.

_**O**_

She could have gone back to the TARDIS, but she was enjoying the fresh scent of the open air. It was warm here in the shade, pleasantly sultry and it was making her drowsy. Her head lolled on her shoulders.

Rose's pleasant nap was rudely interrupted by rough hands grabbing her by the arms and hauling her to her feet. "Look what we've found here, a little lost lamb."

Rose blinked her eyes open. This kind of men wearing that kind of grin was only trouble. There were three of them, standing too close and looming over her with the intent to be intimidating.

"Sorry, not lost. I'm headed to the Games. How about you? Going to compete, maybe?" Maybe she could talk to them like people. It was worth a try.

One of them chuckled, "They don't play the kind of games I'm good at. I'm not into men only sports."

Another laughed coarsely. "She looks like she'd be good at your kind of game. What's your name, little lamb?"

"My name is Rose Tyler. I'm a traveler. I always heard Greece was a beautiful country to visit."

"It is, when they're not around." The sardonic voice belonged to dark hair, icy blue eyes, and black leather. Rose blinked a couple of times to be sure she was seeing straight. The Doctor was not a woman with a sword, a whip, and a round metal thingy.

"Xena!" One of the men gasped.

"Xena!"

"The warrior princess! She defeated Zagreas' army and a giant in one day!"

The third man was smarter. "My cousin in Athens promised to save me a seat for the shot put."

The tall woman made the metal ring rotate around her index finger. "You'd better go or you won't make it before the competition starts."

"Right! Thanks! We're going!"

Rose had never seen people walk backwards that fast; it deserved its own Olympic event. They kept staring at the metal ring. Xena swung her hand back as if to throw, and they broke and ran as if a Dalek were after them.

"I think the Doctor was wrong about Greek women."

The cool blue stare turned on her and Rose Tyler, time traveler, aficionado of worlds' ends, daughter of the woman who had bitch slapped the Oncoming Storm, was unnerved. She swallowed the lump in her throat and offered her hand. "Xena, right? I'm Rose Tyler."

Xena put the metal ring on a hook on her belt, and clasped Rose's hand for one firm shake. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Thanks."

"You're a bit off the road for Athens if you're headed to the Games."

"We figured that. I mean, I'm not alone. My friend climbed the cliff there to get his bearings."

Xena whistled. A beautiful palomino horse cantered up to her. "I'll help you find him. You shouldn't be alone, and he might be in trouble—the Olympic truce only works on armies. There are plenty of bandits preying on travelers." She swung herself easily into the saddle and offered a hand to Rose, who climbed up behind her. "Yah!" Xena called to her mount, and the golden horse took off. Rose clung to Xena, tilting her head to one side so that the warrior princess' long black hair didn't whip her in the face. She laughed for sheer enjoyment and Xena threw a grin over her shoulder.

Traveling with the Doctor, Rose always met the most interesting people.

**_O_**

The Doctor hauled himself over the edge of the cliff and panted a little. He generally had very good control of his physiology, but it was very hot and it had been a while since he had done that kind of climbing. The leather coat was feeling just a bit too much, and he stripped it off.

As he was pulling off the coat, someone—make that someones—grabbed his arms and hauled him to his feet.

"Thought you'd take forever to get up that cliff. We've been waiting, haven't we boys? Hope it was worth it."

The grin in the man's face was white only because his face was dirty.

The Doctor was glad Rose wasn't with him.

"Sorry. You should have said; I'd have hurried up a bit."

"It's too late for sorry. We don't want to hear sorry. We want compensation. Search him."

Two men held the Doctor's arms outstretched. A third searched him and a fourth searched his jacket pockets while the leader watched.

"No money, Cletus. Just a bunch of funny looking junk. Look at this silly tin stick." The man tossed the sonic screwdriver down in disgust.

The Doctor could feel his temper starting to rise. "What, banditry _and_ littering? Couldn't you just stick to one? That's my junk."

"You can keep the junk, stranger, but I fancy that jacket."

The Doctor's eyes narrowed. There were only six bandits. He was the Doctor, the definite article, and he had wiped out armies and faced down beings of godlike power and come out on top. Six pimply-faced greasy-haired bandits were no match for Ka Faraq Gatri.

He was very fond of that jacket.

"You don't want to do that," he said quietly. Something must have shown on his face, for three of the men drew swords.

"Isn't it enough you have to rob him? You have to kill him, too? It's too hot to fight." A girl came out of the bushes. She had pretty strawberry blonde hair and wore a brief green top and tan skirt; she carried a quarterstaff. "The woods are full of you bandits. Why can't you nap through the hot part of the day like sensible people?" She caught the Doctor's eyes deliberately.

A warning. There were more bandits about. _Rose._ "I've no intention of being killed or robbed," the Doctor protested. He took up a defiant stance. The toe of his boot was right by the sonic screwdriver.

"We can handle that part without any need for you wearing yourself out," one of the bandits chuckled, tickled pink at his own wit.

"Why do you people always think you're funny?"

"Because most people are smart enough to laugh when someone has a sword to their throat," Cletus said, with logic on his side.

One of the armed men lunged at the Doctor. The girl somersaulted forward and swept her quarterstaff out knocking his legs out from under him. His sword flailed about out of control. Another man ducked away from it and crashed into the Doctor. They landed heavily together and the sonic screwdriver made an electronic squeal of protest from somewhere under the Doctor's bum. Or maybe that was a rock.

The men started back in alarm, looking around for the source of the sound. "What was that? I've never heard a bird like that."

The man on the Doctor rolled off and got up. The Doctor stayed down, feigning injury and trying to spot the sonic screwdriver. A blast of white noise at jet airplane engine levels would drive off these thugs if a mere squeal could spook them.

"It was Xena's battle cry. She'll be here any moment." The girl smirked, set to fight with her staff at the ready. She projected the easy confidence that often meant the edge in winning a fight, and the men responded with doubtful looks.

"Xena's in Sparta."

"No," the dissenter waved his hands emphatically, "I heard she went to Gaul. Definitely Gaul."

"That was Caesar." Cletus face-palmed.

"Ohhhh. Right. Anyway, she's nowhere near Athens."

The girl moved putting herself protectively over the Doctor. He had to admire her courage. She wasn't as confident as she looked but she was risking her life to protect a stranger.

"Who is Xena?" he whispered to her.

She looked down at him, gaping. "You've _never_ heard of Xena?" In her surprise she didn't think to whisper.

Suddenly all of them were staring incredulously at the Doctor.

He shrugged. "I'm not from around here." Now, logically, if he were a sonic screwdriver, where would he be right now?

"I guess not. Next you'll be telling me you never heard of Hercules."

"Oh, come on! Everyone's heard of Hercules." The Doctor exaggerated his indignation and sat up. It was a calculated move and just as he'd calculated, his hand came down right on the sonic screwdriver.

The men looked nervous. Cletus said exasperatedly, "He's not showing up either. He's in Athens judging the weight-lifting competition."

_Must be some local hero named after the myth_. The Doctor's fingers curled around the screwdriver, adjusting the settings.

The men, reassured that the dreaded Xena and Hercules were not about to come down on them like the mythical Furies, raised their swords menacingly again. The blonde girl braced herself in front of him. Her thighs were quite toned under the brief hem of her skirt.

_Just. One. Blast._

"ALALALALALALALALALEEEEYEEE!" Something circular and shiny whizzed past, disarming the three swordsmen. The blonde girl swiped at the nearest one and caught him upside the jaw with a blow from her staff that knocked him out. His sword fell an inch from the Doctor's foot and he rolled aside, coming up standing with the screwdriver at the ready.

"Doctor!" Rose yelled to him and he spotted her mounted behind a black haired female warrior riding a palomino, hell for leather. The silver object bounced off a rock and ricocheted back to the rider who had thrown it like it had eyes—a chakram, deadly in skilled hands.

The golden horse skidded to a stop. "Party's over, boys. You've worn out your welcome," the woman with Rose purred. Her leather armor was impressive to look at but didn't seem very practical. It was very low cut, for one thing.

"Xena!" the staff-wielding blonde called. "See, I told you she was in town," she told the bandits smugly.

The bandits looked terrified.

The Doctor grabbed his coat from Cletus. "Give it a rest. Leave my stuff and my friends alone and get out of here. No harm done, no foul."

He'd had it all under control until this loud woman had butted in with her chakram. But why waste his time with this pathetic skirmish? The last Time Lord held Xena's eyes with his, a clash of steel blue blades. She hung the chakram on her belt without breaking eye contact. Rose slipped off the horse.

**_O_**

Rose looked from the Doctor to Xena and back again. They were still at the stare down. Xena was a tall woman, just short of the Doctor's height, with long black hair and features so strongly sculpted that her face was not at all pretty, only beautiful. Her black leather armor with the ornate breastplate must have been custom made for her and it emphasized the air of casual menace she wore like a second skin.

Gabrielle stepped forward and offered her hand to Rose. "I'm Gabrielle. Your husband is very brave. He was going to take on those bandits all by himself."

"He's not my husband," Rose said automatically. She was used to this kind of error. Gabrielle was a Greek name? Of course, Rose didn't speak Greek, so what did she know? "I'm Rose; it's a pleasure to meet you." She shook Gabrielle's hand.

Gabrielle looked at Rose's not-husband. He was a tall man with very short dark hair, wearing a dark green tunic and black trews under a black leather coat. His nose and ears were prominent and should have looked funny, but he wore power like a cloak and his cool blue eyes were set in an uncompromisingly intelligent face. She suddenly felt he was dangerous, but then so was her best friend. She moved to Xena's side and elbowed her, whispering, "Don't stare! It's not polite."

Xena arched an eyebrow and inclined her head to one side in a 'whatever' acknowledgement. "Doctor, Rose; welcome to Greece. You're a long way from Britannia." She smiled, turning her glance on Rose.

Rose visibly relaxed under the smile. Without it Xena was definitely scary. "We're going to the Olympic Games."

The Doctor apparently decided that he had won the stare down. He turned on his big grin. "That's right. Maybe we'll see you there."

"Maybe is right. I want to clean out these bandits first, and there are more of them than I thought."

"Even if they'd rather run than fight, aren't there a lot of them?" Rose sounded concerned.

"They think the Games make for easy pickings and they're braver when they outnumber me 100 to 1."

"And you're going to stop an army all by yourself?" The Doctor hadn't meant to sound quite so sarcastic. Or maybe he had.

Gabrielle grinned. Nice kid, that; hanging around with the likes of Xena was going to get her killed. "She's got me. Besides, Xena does this kind of thing all the time."

Rose grinned back at Gabrielle. "So does the Doctor," she said proudly.

"With the little metal stick? I mean, you're not armed."

"Sonic screwdriver. I try to avoid weapons. They get people hurt. When it comes to trouble I use my head, me."

Xena's eyes narrowed. "Always the best weapon, if it's got a brain inside it," she purred.

"That's never been a problem," the Doctor said with one of his most annoyingly superior smiles. "It sounds like you could use some help."

Xena gathered up the reins. "Gabrielle, you guide the Doctor and Rose to Athens. I want to find the bandit camp."

"Be careful, Xena!" Gabrielle called after her friend as the horse cantered away. "Ooo-kay." She smiled at Rose and the Doctor. "You just stick with me; after all the traveling I've done with Xena I know Greece like the back of my hand." She started down the path, using her staff as a walking stick. "I like what you said, Doctor. I believe in using my wits, too. There was this time I fooled a giant into thinking I wanted to kill Xena…"

Rose grinned as the Doctor did not look particularly flattered on having his wits compared with Gabrielle's. "A giant, really?"

"Oh, yes, we've run into a couple. They're usually not very bright."

Rose looked at the Doctor, who was looking forward with a slight smile on his face. He didn't meet her eyes.

"It's usually warlords, though, and the occasional god."

The Doctor stopped in his tracks. "Gods?" he inquired in his tone of voice that said he wasn't going to be satisfied with an easy answer.

"Oh, yes," Gabrielle said airily. "Cupid, Aphrodite… " her voice took on disgusted tones, "Ares. Mostly Ares. He has a thing about Xena." They all started moving again.

"What sort of thing?" Rose took a quick step forward to catch Gabrielle up and walk beside her.

"She used to work for him, but she quit that life. He wants her back."

"So it's not like he's in love with her?" Rose remembered the Greek myths she'd read in school. The gods were always chasing women. The Doctor kept back a few steps. He looked distinctly grumpy; but Rose was not very sympathetic. He was probably jealous because Xena had shown him up. Most of the time the Doctor was every bit as fantastic as he said he was. When he wasn't, he could be quite childish.

Gabrielle made a face. "I wouldn't call it love, more like an obsession."

"Talking about me behind my back. That's so unkind." The voice was claws over velvet and belonged to a tall, powerfully built man wearing black leather with a metal studded vest and an evil beard. That's how Rose thought of it. He had this whole glam-bad-boy thing working. It didn't work on her, of course. _Far too much chest hair and over developed muscles and really tight leather pants oh God stop right **now**_.

"Who's he then?"

The Doctor stirred at her elbow but was silent. She glanced back at him and was alarmed to see the grim expression he wore. It had gone way past grumpy and into Serious Trouble.

Gabrielle was putting up a tough front. "If you wanted Xena, you missed her by half an hour, Ares."

'Ares'? Suddenly Rose got what people meant when they described someone as 'looking like a Greek god.' Her fingers curled in on her palm. She wished she were holding the Doctor's hand, but he probably needed both hands free just now.

"I know. She's laying a false trail to draw the bandits away from the three of you. That sort of trick doesn't work on me, of course." The big man's dark eyes took in Rose and the Doctor with a leisurely inspection that made Rose feel slightly under-dressed. "You two are a long way from home."

The Doctor looked back coldly at the God of War. "So are you, Osiran."

"At least I was born on this planet. So was she," he smiled at Rose. His teeth were very white in his swarthy face. "Does your friend know how lucky he is?"

_Why does everyone think we're a couple?_ The man sounded actually sincere. Where a cheesy come-on would have made Rose sarcastic, this approach made her blush and fumble for words. "You should ask 'im that," she managed after a false start.

Gabrielle looked confused. "You know each other?" she asked the Doctor.

"No, and I'm not looking to know him." He softened the snarky tone with a smile for Gabrielle. Nice girl that, he was sure Xena didn't appreciate her. That one and this Ares were two peas in a pod. "My companion Rose and I are tourists. Come to see the Olympics, that's it, and not looking to get involved in anyone's business."

"Just passing through, hmm? Hospitality is a sacred duty in Greece. You welcome the traveler, and speed him on his way."

The Doctor did not take kindly to the hint of threat in the war god's voice. "Sounds very friendly. I like making friends. Don't you like Gabrielle, Rose?" he said lightly.

"Oh, yes. She's my new mate, she is." Rose mugged a grin and punched Gabrielle lightly on the shoulder. Gabrielle copied the gesture. It abruptly became a bonding moment as their eyes met and they spontaneously hugged.

Ares rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. I do not know how Xena puts up with this. She doesn't even let you ride her horse." He ignored Gabrielle's sputter of protest and all business, looked back to the Doctor. "Don't wear out your welcome, traveler." His body turned briefly misty then vanished.

All right, he was an Osiran, but the Doctor was not very impressed. "Sutekh he's not."

"But he is dangerous."

The Doctor hated having people sneak up on him. Xena was behind him, astride her golden horse. _How did she sneak up behind me on a horse?_ She was looking past him at Rose and Gabrielle who were rapidly cementing their bond.

Xena jumped lightly down from her horse, and murmured to the Doctor, "Seems like a nice girl, your Rose."

"She's not 'my' Rose. Just hers." _Why does everyone always think we're a couple?_

Xena's smile held distinct approval. "There's a tavern on the outskirts of Athens that has a very comfortable stable."

"Stable?" Rose had a doubtful expression.

"Stable." The Doctor patted Rose on the back.

"You people can get something to eat. I've got a few errands to run."

"You're going back out tonight, aren't you, Xena?"

"I do some of my best work in the dark."

"Need some help? I've got very good night vision, me."

"You strike me as someone who can handle himself, Doctor, but what about Rose?" Xena watched Gabrielle and Rose giggle together, just like two innocent girls should. She couldn't remember ever feeling like that herself; had always been a wild young tearaway. Her best friend had been her brother Lyceus. They'd fished together, not played with dolls.

"You just stick with me, Rose," Gabrielle said, and putting her arm over the other girl's shoulder, began to whisper in her ear. Rose brightened up.

"D'you think?"

"Sure! Xena taught me some pretty good moves…" The two drifted ahead and Xena stayed by the Doctor.

"I've no intention of letting anything happen to Rose," the Doctor said firmly. He was unhappy to find himself on the wrong end of the 'endangering your side kick' stick. "Or Gabrielle."

"Who are you, Doctor? You're not human, and you're not a god. Your skin is cooler than the air and you have a double pulse. Ares turned up because of you."

"Just passing through, me and Rose." The Doctor's sense of humor turned up at last; he smiled ruefully and nodded towards the two young women giggling together. Gabrielle was showing Rose how to grip the quarterstaff. And here he was, with this human woman who was almost a mirror image of him, companion and all.

"Better let me deal with Ares, then. I'm used to it. In fact, if you and Rose want to head on to the Games, Gabrielle and I can handle these bandits."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at Xena. "Used to dealing with an Osi…a god?"

Xena grimaced. "Absolutely. Besides, Ares doesn't trouble himself with bandits. His games are far more deadly. Might he be interested in a big blue box?"

The Doctor winced. "I don't think he has any need of it."

"Good. Gods are like children when it comes to toys. They snatch them up and refuse to give them back."

The Doctor frowned. "I think a day at the Games will probably be enough for me and Rose."

"Keep Gabrielle with you. She'll be your local guide, and later we'll… see you on your way out of Greece."

There was no doubting Xena was an impressive woman.

"I think that will make Rose and Gabrielle very happy."

**_O_**

The ancient Games were a lot bloodier than the modern ones, but the food was good. Gabrielle and Rose talked non-stop. Gabrielle took them to see Hercules' personal exhibition of strength. As people donated money, more weight was added to the board set across his broad shoulders. He held it up easily at first, and didn't show strain on his face until there were twenty bronze cauldrons of water hanging from it and ten men balancing on top of it. Shortly after that, the board broke. The Doctor considered that this Hercules might well be half-Osiran. It was more evidence that showed the Osirans' influence in this primitive era. It was best he and Rose leave. History would go on as it had to.

Xena was carrying a sack over her shoulder. The Doctor fell into step beside her. He didn't speak but first noticed how their strides matched easily. "Sure you don't need help tonight, Xena?"

"Gabrielle and I will handle it. It's what we do."

"Then what have you got in the sack?"

"A girl's got to have some secrets, Doctor." Xena smirked at him.

"Fair enough." They reached the TARDIS before the last light dimmed in the western sky. "It's been fantastic meeting you and Gabrielle, Xena."

"Wouldn't have missed it for the world," Rose said, giving Gabrielle a last hug. They had exchanged tokens. Rose had given Gabrielle a half dozen hair elastics and received a string of wooden beads with a pendant of shell and feathers that came from the Amazon tribe that had adopted Gabrielle.

"I'd tell you to stay out of trouble, Doctor, but you wouldn't do it. Good luck."

"I'd tell you not to mess around with gods, but I don't think you'd listen. Out-think them. They're not as superior as they think they are—just powerful."

He and Rose went into the TARDIS. "I don't think I'll visit this era very often. The time flow of time is oddly inflected." The Doctor started setting coordinates.

"Eddies in the space-time continuum," Rose said, admiring her genuine Amazon necklace.

"Yes, exactly—hold on." He raised an eyebrow at her.

"What? I can't like Douglas Adams?"

He grinned at her. "Just don't expect me to grow another head."

The TARDIS dematerialized.

**_O_**

"Now that, Xena, is odd."

"I've seen stranger things."

Xena led Gabrielle off into the woods.

The God of War materialized and considered the space, and the dimensions of space unseeable by mortals, that still shuddered where the TARDIS had stood. He rubbed his bearded chin. Good, the alien was gone. Xena was enough trouble without having advanced technology on her side. He had kept an eye on them throughout the day, distant, so that even Xena did not seem aware of his scrutiny.

While no philosopher, Ares often visited the Fates to gaze upon the Loom. A mind dedicated to tactics and strategy sometimes divined patterns in the threads that aided him towards his ultimate goals. The brief interlock of woven patterns today had made it plain how these two pairs of people acted similarly on the destiny of worlds. If Xena and Gabrielle were a smaller iteration of the same pattern as the Doctor and his Rose, were those two also embroideries on a larger pattern? And if the Doctor could cause more trouble proportionally to Xena—Ares shuddered. "Some days it's just not so hot to be a god," he said, his body fading as he spoke so that only the echo of his voice remained. Elsewhere in the forest, a bunch of bandits were having a really bad night.

Xena was at it again. Fantastic.

**_O_**

The End


End file.
